DesiandLucy4ever@blogspot

DesiandLucy4ever@blogspot

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

What if… and reason of the divorce?

Hey guys, it has been a long time that I've post, but I'm back. In this post I going to explain what the reason was that Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball divorced in 1960. I've tried to answer everything with (lost of) quotes from Desi, Lucy, family or friends - persons who knew them the best. I hope you'll like this post, I don't know why but this was very important for my to post this.
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On YouTube I’ve read a lot of comments like:
They'll see their parents together again in heaven. I think they wished they could've gone back in time & changed the past so they would've stayed together. i wish we could go back in time & change the past so they would stay married forever. 
Jonabona 
If there's ever a chance to re-write history, it should include a change that these two would've been happily married to the end of their days. I wanna go back in time & change the past so they wouldn't have any problems & stayed together forever.

But that isn't possible, unfortunately. But suppose something like that could’ve happen. What if they could have a second change. I mean, suppose that in the final days before Desi death on December 2, 1986 (when Lucy finally opened her heart and told Desi how much she loved him.*) that Lucy and Desi woke up in 1955 and that everything they had been through looks like a dream. So that they get a second change.
Would they like having a second chance? what would they do different, anyhow?  Would they stay married? Those are questions that you can ask yourself (and what I asked myself).
At first I want to answer the first question: Would they like a second chance?
Lucy said ones: "I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.”
Desi
"He would sit with me and cry. He would actually cry sometimes. Talking about how much he loved her, and how terrible it was that they were divorced and he loved her to his dying day.” - Marcella Rabwin
As you might know, Desi and Lucy talked ones or twice a week on the phone (and in the later years every single day.) He was always around, even when they were divorced. I saw on YouTube a interview from an close family friend of Lucy and Desi, (I can’t  find him anymore and I’m forgotten which person was interviewed). She told that she came to Lucy’s house one day because she had left something. She had the key from house and thought Lucy was at work. The phone rings and she picked him up, but to her surprise Lucy had already picked up the phone (she was home, in her bedroom).    






She (the friend) said: “I wanted to stop listening but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Desi was on the other line, it was an emotional call... He told her how much he loved her and how terrible it was what has happened between them. How  much regret he feel for what he had done and that he hurt her the way he did. And that he never in tempt to hurt her and wished he could turn the time back and do everything different. She told him, that she wished the same but had already forgave him, and will always love him no matter what… I heard everything they said and was crying softly, scared they might hear me. After I left, I was deeply ashamed of myself, and told nobody what I had heard.”   
I cried when I heard the interview... really beautiful. 

























The director, William Asher, of ‘I Love Lucy’ and good friend of Desi &Lucy said:  "There was a great, great love there, there really was. Desi was very unhappy about the breakup, and I think she was too. I don't think either one of them ever got over it. Things happen. It was very sad. But they're together now."

So, yes, I think they would be happy to get a second change.


What would they do different, anyhow? 











Both Desi as Lucy had made mistakes, that’s of course logical, were people, everybody makes mistakes, every day, a divorce is (almost) never the fault of only one person. I think the main reason of their divorce was Desilu.  Lucy and Desi started this whole thing because they wanted to be together, and it's ironic that the same show threw them together so much that faults and misdeeds were magnified to the point that it tore them apart.


Desilu Inc. became soon extreme huge,  on of the largest media production companies. As a president, he had life-altering decisions to make because the fate of thousands of employees were under him. And we all know how eternally loyal Desi and Lucille were to people; so, neither wanted to fail the employees. Desi said: “Failure is the most terrible thing in our business. When we fail, the whole world knows about it. But not only that, when we failure, hundreds of people can lose there work.”
They were generous - and in all the years that I was with them, I never had to ask for a raise. They would improve the money two or three times a year. They would always give you more than you anticipated. They never asked for anything except for you to be honest and straight shooting. I was really spoiled by these people. I thought the rest of the world was like that.  - Bernie Weitzman, Desilu executive 

Desi and Lucy were both very hard workers, “Since I was very young I have always worked hard at whatever I have had to do” (Desi said). “No one worked harder than Lucy. There weren't any 10 men who could keep up with her.” - Gale Gordon, who co-starred with Lucy in three of her television shows
























He was the executive producer of I Love Lucy and after I Love Lucy writers finished with a script, he would scan through and give very valuable advice on how to alter the material to make the storyline funny- and he was always right. Desi spent some 12 to 16 hours at work daily. The pressures on Desi continued to grow. He turned to alcohol and womanizing to relieve stress, the alcohol problem was a by-product of the stress faced. Drinking intensifies all your pressures and your needs. –Desi.

One of his co-workers said that his alcoholism got to a point at which after 11am he would be gone. Keith Thibodeaux (played little Ricky, since mid-1956/ season 6) said: “I can see why their marriage didn't make it. Desi was really a great guy when he wasn't drinking, but as kids we'd definitely stay away from him when he was drunk. Once I was sleeping over when he heard that the tutor had called Desi Jr. spoiled. We were awakened by a fistfight. That night, Desi came down and caught the guy talking to a girl in the living room and just beat him, badly. Desi Jr. and I hid in the maid's quarters. Then there was the time he fired his gun into the air when he saw someone sitting on his beach property.”

 It was like living on top of a volcano; you never knew when it would erupt or why. I was able to accept the situation for many years because it was our secret." (Lucy)

Lucy said about he’s autobiography  “He needed to make every mistake in the book and wanted to suffer all the consequences. He needed to punish himself.”

But the drinking was only issue in the later years of there marriage. Lucie Arnaz said about her parents marriage: “It was a fabulous romance and a fabulous marriage that was destroyed by many things. The stress of success. My father’s wayward eye.” She laughs. “My father was Latin and had a lot of ladies on the side. They can be so charming these Latin men. Dad would come home and say, ‘Lucy, what’s the problem? They mean nothing. You know I love you the best.’

“And so my mother learned to live with it. That is, until it got into the papers too often.”
(Lucy also said this: “I was able to accept the situation for many years because it was our secret. But when Desi made it public domain. I knew I couldn’t be publicly embarrassed any longer”)
Another problem was her father’s drinking, but Arnaz says that only became an issue later on in the marriage.

“All Cubans drink and they can hold their liquor like crazy, until they suddenly cross a line when it’s too late to do anything about it.

“A lot of people thought my father drank because of trouble with my mother, or career pressures, but I think it was because of his own mother. He took very good care of her and she didn’t give anything back to him. It made him very unhappy.”




















About Desi womanizing... When Lucy and Desi first met he had a relation with Freckles, it was rather serious. She was a big difference compared to Lucy, she didn’t expect him to stay away from other women. He felt that she understood him and didn’t complain and didn’t ask questions, wasn’t jealous etc. But when he met Lucy he knew he couldn’t stay with her (Freckles), he had to break it off. Because Lucy was the love of his life. After that he didn’t date anyone as he did before Lucy. He went out with hookers and to him that was different. I’m not saying it’s right, but to him it was okay. In his culture it was okay. And honestly Lucy’s biggest problem in the marriage wasn’t that. I honestly believe she would have tolerated that. The drinking was the problem, and when Desi got really stressed the woman and drinking problem got worse, it got to be a huge problem. Because when Lucy became pregnant and Lucie and Desi Jr. were born, Desi cheating was cease for a time.



An other issue was jalousie...It broke Desi's heart that the American public didn't recognize his talents, that he was the backbone of the fame of American's Favorite Redhead. Hell, even the television producers discriminated against him, at the beginning! Lucille always publicly complimenting her husband, but in those days, the writers, crew, producers and the people behind the scenes never mattered. He gave the them always credit but received noting back.


In 1960 when Lucy had filed for a divorce, a few people of the media find a way to get in Desilu, somehow. They went to Lucy’s dressing room. They said things like: “oh, Lucy, it’s no surprise for us that you divorce Desi. Because your so big, your run the whole studio by yourself, you’re the brain beyond Desilu, one of the biggest and powerful company. So it’s logical that you’ve felt for a divorce” Ect…. When they were finished, Lucy look at them and said: “That’s the big problem, Desi has never got the credit what he deserves, we’ve made together Desilu the way he is, but Desi was the brains, he made the big decisions. And this is totally not the reason of or separation.” (I heard this on YouTube, but I can’t find it anymore. I don’t know the exactly words anymore but this was about what they said.) (A friend who also worked at Desilu heard everything, she was surprised of Lucy answer. Because it was an emotional time, it would be very logical if Lucy had been endorsed, because she was mad. And had said for instance: yes, I’m the one who deserves all the credit. But instead that, Lucy defended Desi and gave him all the credit. What she always did.)  
Present  Ronald Reagan said:  “It’s no secret that Nancy and I are friends of Lucy. And I think this redheaded bundle may be the finest comedienne ever.” He said. “But I know Miss Ball want us to pay tribute to the man who produced I love Lucy and starred in it with her, the late Desi Arnaz”


In her book she tells he story of her and Desi in the 40s:
“I kept Desi driving up and down the coastline visiting spots I had seen in my seven years in California, from San Francisco to Tijuana, below the mexian border. I wanted to share every experience with him, the past included. I even took him to Big Bear Mauntain, were we had filmed Having Wonderful Time. I was in slacks, shirt and bandanna; Desi was in an open-necked shirt, tanned the color of mahogany. We looked like a couple of tourists. Desi ordered a ham-and-cheese sandwich at Barney’s the local bar-café, and then disappeared to wash his hands. The waitress looked at me and then at Desi’s retreating back. “Hey” she said disapprovingly, glancing from my red curls to Desi’s blue-black hair, “is he Indian? Because we’re not allowed to serve liquor to Indians.” Nobody could picture us as a couple, even a tourist-harnessed waitress.” – Lucy "It was from I Love Lucy that the Hollywood men accepted that Desi and I belonged together, that the romantic propositions became minimal. Everyone finally accepted that we were really a couple."




11/30/1940 - wedding day


















She had been married to her second husband, comedian Gary Morton, for years longer than she had been married to her first. The numbers hardly mattered. Desi had been not only the father of Lucy’s two children, but her business partner, her costar, the co-creator of her image, the cofounder of her wealth and reputation, and, au fond, the object of her obsessive affection. Hardly a day went by when Lucy failed to acknowledge that without Desi she would have been one more actress who never realized her potential, the star that never was.                                                              
I think Lucy considered this as one of the reasons of there divorce, because it was a reason of Desi’s drinking.

One of Lucy’s biggest problems was her priorities: she always valued her career over her personal life, (it seemed for others). Desi, at one point in 1956, wanted to sell and stop ‘I love Lucy’ (he would continue running Desilu and Lucy would make a picture ones in a while) and settle down with their kids but Lucy “didn’t want to quit”. That very well may have been the moment she traded her marriage for her career. But I’m positive sure that her career wasn’t  the number one in her life, it was her family. (I planning to write a blog, where I going to explain it better) I understand why she “didn’t want to quit”, she had found happiness in her work, she had finally found her happiness. It was complete: She and Desi were together, 2 children and a good career ect.... “We had it all. Desi and I, we had it all…”.
Lucy said: "After struggling for survival and success for 40 years, I just couldn't believe that I deserve to enjoy the success of I Love Lucy. I kept worrying about the next day, if everything would be taken away from me."  

"Why didn't I want I Love Lucy to end? Every week Desi and I could pretend to the whole world that our marriage was what we've always wanted it to be—perfect. More importantly, we wanted for it to be this way."  
“My mother was way more metaphysical than I ever thought she was. She kept saying, ‘I stop all day long to say I am so grateful for my life and my career.’ She seemed so happy in those letters– I didn’t see that woman. Too many years of the business.” Lucie Arnaz

…. So It’s sound logical,  why she chose to continue the series.


Later when she and Desi we no longer together, she was sick and down. Her only hope, was her work, she loved her work… it made her happy when she made other people laugh.  “(..)The way her eyes sparkled when she said something funny”(…)- Gale Gordon  (Lucy) I just have an obsession to make people laugh. I don't know why, but I love hearing people laugh."  
She said: “After Lucy ended, I thought, I’ll live a few more years and then I’ll die.”I didn’t plan to live this long. I didn’t want to. I don’t know why. I didn’t want people waiting around for me to die just because I’ve got a few bucks...”
Later, in the 70s Desi was interviewed, he explained that both Lucy and he agreed that Desilu never had to grow so big because “Desilu grow so big, that it became a monster. At the moment I thought it was the only choice to keep the series, but it was the wrong decision (…) We had to think it over, a better plan, more or better sponsor(s), contract with studio’s … I don’t know but there had be a way to continue the series what made us happy (I love Lucy) and keep Desilu small (as a big family, the way it was when we stared the whole thing). - Desi

I’m sometimes scared of everything that has happened to us. We didn’t think Desilu Productions would grow so big. We merely wanted to be together and have two children.  - Lucy






















They created I love Lucy, so they could be more together. However, there are many disadvantages of married couples working together. Couples need a break from each other on occasion in order to make the time they have together seem special, and when seeing each other day in and day out, it makes special moments seem like any other. When married couples work together, it can be difficult to separate the business side of the relationship from the personal side. If there are problems at home, they may affect the work ethics of both partners while on the job. At the same time, when there are problems on the job, these problems are often brought home instead of left at the office. These are some of the disadvantages of married couples working together. If both partners work in the same department, it may be that they are jealous of one another’s success, or envious that one is doing a better job or getting more attention than the other. This can have a negative effect on the marriage, and cause resentment between couples. 

So, when there is too much togetherness, it can destroy the marriage and this is exactly what happened between Desi and Lucy, specially when Desilu got bigger. Desi said in Reading Eagle newspaper from May 20 1977, (the question was: (…) Well for heaven sake why did you and Lucy split?): “Oh, he says “Desilu got to be such a big business. There was too much togetherness. It was seven- day work week. Little things that didn’t matter became big thinks. I know what I mean.”

Solution: If it seems that you spend too much time together, perhaps not sharing lunch or breaks will be the answer. Another key is to make it a point to spend quality time together as husband and wife, leaving business and work behind. Learning how to make the best of working together while still maintaining a loving, lasting relationship at the same time can be achieved by making sure work and home life is kept separate, and that the bond between both remains strong by showing each other respect, kindness and love. (source: article from CareerPath)






So when I have to answer the question: ‘What would they do different, anyhow?’:  
I think they had found a way to keep Desilu Inc. small. So that it couldn’t destroy there life, there marriage. And Lucy would valued her personal life over her career, and break the wall of showing her feelings. And I honestly believe that Desi would’ve change his womanizing, because of the consequences and hurting Lucy. Also because I’ve read, his womanizing was (almost) stopped in his second marriage. Most people have said that Desi’s womanizing stemmed from his upbringing. (in which I agree) This is no excuse but it’s probably the cause, and he kinda cites it as the cause in his own autobiographic. He was raised in a society where he was taught that womanizing was okay, which, is of course, totally wrong but it’s what he was surrounded by as a kid. His father led this kind of lifestyle, his grandfather did as well, and so he wanted to have the same lifestyle for himself I guess. I mean, he was taken to a whorehouse at the age of fifteen to be educated in sex (isn’t sick??!!), so you can see where he’s coming from. He basically felt that because he truly loved Lucy - and I do believe he never cheated on her in the emotional sense - flings with girls or affairs with prostitutes etc “didn’t matter" or “affect" his love for her. Also, I believe a lot of the womanizing that happened in the 40s was a result of their being constantly separated from each other in that decade, so he’d be catting on the road. People who knew them said most of his womanizing alleviated after Lucie was born, and he felt sensitive about that for the earlier half of the 50s, until the stress of the studio and the alcoholism set in (around mid-1955s) and it all went downhill from there. 
 Would they stay married?
I honestly believe, Yes. If love between two people is so strong, I believe they are totally made ​​for each other. Even after divorce they couldn’t life without each other, they need each other. He was always around, even though they were divorced. Even when he passed away, Lucy told the media that he was a great father and she even went on to say he was a wonderful husband. She hated the infidelity, the drinking, etc. but when he was a husband and father, he was great. (one of the times she said that was on a radio interview).
Unfortunately, we can not turn the time back.




But we must not look too negative about their marriage, divorce and about their life after that. Because it's no secret that Desi and Lucy loved each other for the rest of theirs lives. They divorced but not for 100%, a part of them was always married.

















Their marriage was not only negative, Lucy said in the 50s: “Life with Desi is crazy and exciting, but our love is deep and changeless.” ”I knew that there was never anyone in the world for me but Desi and that we might have our ups and downs, just as many people have. But I’d rather quarrel and make up with him than with anyone else in this world” (The more you love another individual, the more occasions there will be where you just have to fight with him or her.) The best time of my marriage was when I was pregnant and when the kids were little, that was the kind of marriage that I've always hoped for."

They had a wonderful time making I love Lucy and to look back at (Desi Jr.), “All their hopes, plans and dreams for a happy future were wrapped up in that TV sitcom,” (- Lucie Arnaz) "I Love Lucy was like a fantasy come true. Lucy and I would borrow outfits from movie studios and create our little stage productions at home. Sometimes we threw costumes parties and had a ball. She has a childlike quality that makes I Love Lucy successful." – Desi Arnaz

"Whenever they got to spend time together, he would have her pose and take pictures of her. Sometimes, they would bring home costumes from the studio, dress themselves, and just fool around in front of the video camera." —Fred Ball
They look like they had never filed for divorce, that they were still in love and happily married. I guess that the divorce was necessary because it was the only way they could still love each other just as much, before things could turn even uglier and irreconcilable.  After the divorce, they realized how each had always loved the other so much. They started appreciating each other and finally learned to like each other. "Lucy and I already had that once in a lifetime kind of love. It is time for us to become friends. We were both damaged from this big romance that lasted 2 decades, but we cannot just erase each other away. I think of her everyday, even her voice echoes in my conscience. You can't just erase your soul mate away."(- Desi Arnaz, TV interview, 1974)    


An interview excerpt from Candy Moore, who played Lucille Carmichael's daughter in The Lucy Show.  


When rehearsals for the first episode of The Lucy Show commenced on July 12, Desi presented Lucille with a kiss and a good-luck emblem of a tiny four-leaf clover crafted from antique emerald jade.  







“It was a fabulous piece of jewelry,” recalls Candy Moore. “But that wasn’t the point. The point was that he adored her to the extent that he was thoughtful enough to give her such a smashing gift. She cried. They had a lot of tenderness and love between them.”

The Forever Darling song became a family tradition, sung by Desi at anniversaries and other events, a tradition that endured long after the marriage ended. When he sang it at daughter Lucie's wedding to actor Laurence Luckinbill, Lucy wept, and they hugged and kissed after the song.

Don’t forget, ‘it was a fabulous romance and a fabulous marriage that was destroyed by many things’! They divorce, but not for 100%, a part of them was always married. 





















*
Lucy and Desi spoke once more in the final days before his death on December 2, 1986. As Lucie remembers, ”I got on the phone with my mother and said, ”He is barely speaking. He didn’t eat any of the dinner we fixed. He hasn’t eaten in three days. I don’t even know if he’ll understand what you’re saying, but I’ll put the phone up to his ear.” She said, ”Oh, okay.”She was always trying to be so brave. You could hear her voice cracking. I put the phone up to dad’s ear in the bed. And he gave me a look that said, ”Who is it?” And I said, ”It’s the redhead.” He just listened, and I heard what she said. She just said the same thing over and over again. It was muffled, but you could clearly make out it was the same thing over and over again.

It was ”I love you. I love you. Desi, I love you.”You could even hear the intonations of the voice change, how she meant each one, the interpretation. And I just sat there, trying not to show him I was listening, because I had to hold the phone. I couldn’t get out of the room. He couldn’t hold the phone. And he said, ”I love you, too, honey. Good luck with your show. ” I had told him in passing, ”Mom’s going to be on a variety show tonight, she’s going to give somebody an award.” I’m sure he didn’t realize what show it was, it was just important for him to say that. I couldn’t say anything to her. I just said, ” I’ll talk to you later.” And I hung up the phone. Really, my mother was the last person he talked to, because he died about forty-eight hours later.
Lucie didn’t put it together at the time but looking back, she realized it was on November 30th – their wedding anniversary.



15 comments:

  1. Wow what a powerful love story!!!

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  2. I've been a Lucy and Desi fan for 14 years, and thanks to your blog, I have found out some new information! Thanks!!!!

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  3. Wow what a story! You'll never read a love story again like theirs! Love....right to the end.

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  4. I've loved them both since I was a little girl. Although they'd been divorced for years when I first started watching, I could tell the had one of the most loving and tragic love I'd probably ever see in any other couple. I always wanted that type of marriage when I grew older. Being so blessed and happy with my own hubby for over 25 years now, it makes me even sadder they couldn't ever get it straight but I know they're together again and are feeling only happiness, no more pain. I still watch them nightly and have collected their memorabilia for years, which is something I've never done with anyone else. They will always be the most tragic love story I'll ever know. May the stay together and happy forever now, there's no doubt they were never the same once apart. God Bless them both as well as well as Lucie and Desi Jr.

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  5. Some people say that the divorce has a political thing.

    There was a Breakdown of relations betwin Cuba and U.S.A. in 1959-1960.
    Indeed , Desi and Lucy were ''hunted'' as communist .

    ''All cubans drink'',''All latin men are womanizers'' and phrases like this and that... I dont know...

    And thinking about the kids... ''Oh! Your father is cuban. he's communist! You're a comminist too! We don't like communists here!''

    Maybe the nº1 reason for the divorce was just...Sad Cold War.

    (Sorry about my english. I'm Brazilian.)

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  11. Reading this made me cry!

    I just wanted to say that I became a big fan of I Love Lucy lately and I hope I could find someone to converse it with. Sadly, I don't know anybody who knows the show as much as I do. I strongly wanna talk about Lucy and Desi! I adore them so much! :)

    SIncerely,

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